"Are You Talkin To Me"

I have never understood the habit of name calling in our society. When people don't agree or don't like something it is all too common to use derogatory labels in reference to the supposed offender. It is unfortunate how often I witness this ugly behavior from young people here in Utah. I am constantly reminding the teenagers who come into my home not to say "that is so gay" when they refer to something they don't like or think is stupid. Most of them are fairly well trained by now - at least at my house. However, recently I have had to call them out for their consistent use of the word "Jew" when addressing my kids. I see it on their facebooks and yearbooks and hear kids address them by their name followed by "Jew". My kids don't like it and neither do I. Why is this necessary? Why do we have to put labels on people who are different? We don't say "Hey Joe- Mormon - would you like a slice of pizza?" That would be silly, not to mention rude - yet it is how my children are addressed quite often and I have finally had it with this ridiculous behavior.

I am motivated by the recent commercials put out by http://www.thinkb4youspeak.com/ which are a fabulous public service and point out how insulting words can be. They directly address the term "that is so gay". I hope the message will go even farther in illustrating that labeling and name calling in general is hurtful. For too long, we have all accepted these sayings as harmless behavior. I choose to confront those who use terms that are hurtful to any particular group even when it is not my group. I hope I can be rational and calm in my discussions - but honestly there are days when I feel just like De Niro

"ARE YOU TALKIN" TO ME???"

"There's No Crying in Baseball!!!"

Much has been said about the roles of men and women in society. Here in Utah, I have found that women are defined by their specific place in their family and community. Much of that identity has been advocated by the Mormon Church’s beliefs about the woman’s duties as wife and mother. As a woman who gave up her career 20 years ago to stay at home with my two children, I clearly do not have a problem with choosing those roles instead of a career. My objection is that those who make different choices may be criticized for them. In many ways, Utah is decades behind in women’s issues.

I remember one evening a few months after we moved to Draper, a man knocked on my door wanting me to purchase groceries from his home delivery service. I kindly told him I was not interested and he replied, “Why don’t I come back when your husband is home and speak with him about it.” Excuse me!!! My husband has no interest in those decisions and the idea that somehow I could not make any decision without him was insulting. I told this salesman so and he just looked at me like I had appeared out of some futuristic movie where women had a voice in their own lives.

Last week while substituting at an elementary school here in Draper, I attended an assembly to encourage students to participate in the “Fun Run” to raise money for the school. To add to the excitement, 2 BYU football players came to speak. While I am not a BYU fan, I think having players from a local college team speak to students is a great idea. Kids love to see them and imagine themselves someday in those uniforms. However, this assembly was about more than just the “Fun Run” and I was astounded and offended by the comments from these players.
First of all, in their bios which were on the big screen in the gym was information about where they had served their two year missions. Why is that important? Would it be relevant in a public school to say where you had your Bar Mitzvah? I think not!!!! One of the players even spoke about how great it was to teach the Gospel for two years. Good to know, but inappropriate in a public school where like it or not, not everyone has plans to go on a mission. Remarkably, this commentary was not as objectionable as what was about to follow.

This young man proceeded to talk about the goals he had as a child in elementary school and to encourage fitness in all the young people listening. Fantastic right??? He spoke about his goal of getting good enough to bounce a basketball a couple hundred times without stop. Sounds great! Here comes the zinger – so he says you should set similar kinds of goals and “girls – you could learn to do the splits or something”. I literally almost fell off my chair. Had I entered some sort of time machine and been transported back to the 1950’s – nope I am just in Utah. Seriously, my daughter can bounce a basketball better and longer than most of the boys she knows. What the hell was this kid implying?

All I know is I am glad my children were not raised in a place where “heroes” are presented to them at school and then they are subtlety told that they cannot be like them because they are different. Is this the message the public schools want to give to their young students? I hope not, but frankly, this assembly said that if you are sitting out there and you are not of our faith or our gender than you will not be one of us. I wanted to take my little first graders back to class and tell them that is untrue, but I could not do that for several reasons. First of all, I doubt I would be asked to substitute there again and secondly I can’t honestly say that if they are different they will not be treated unfairly by their friends and community. I left school that day very angry and heartbroken.

Yes, boys and girls are different. People are all different! So what. Why must we stick to certain roles just because we are in a certain group? I challenge my daughter to be athletic and challenge my son to dance. I hope my daughter is strong and my son is sensitive. I hope to see them choose their own roles, both traditional and non traditional. I do not want them to have limits based upon their gender or their faith. I want them to be happy and free to choose their own path. I want them to embrace who they are and their differences. So, why can't we can just accept all people where they are and maybe, just maybe even "crying in baseball" would not be so terrible after all.

"Snap Out of It!!"

It has been quite some time since I have written here and most of my followers may have stopped checking in on this page. Sadly, I am inspired today by some very disturbing events at Alta High School. My daughter graduated from Alta two years ago. Alta is a good school with many excellent teachers and staff. As a result of the 58 college units she earned there, my daughter will be able to graduate from college in 3 years. I am grateful for her high school education. However, she was very unhappy at Alta. She was often treated badly by her fellow students because she was not a part of the predominant culture. Some teachers and staff also added to her alienation. Almost daily, she heard negative remarks about her differences and it was extremely hurtful. Her yearbook is full of comments about her being “a Jew”. Of course, everyone would say they were not meant to hurt her or to be negative yet they still felt the need to point out she was not like them. Her experience led my younger son to attend a different high school in hopes he would have a better experience.

When I heard about the current racial tensions at Alta I was not surprised. For those of you unfamiliar with the recent events here is a brief synopsis. At an assembly to show school spirit each grade level was to wear a different color to display their school pride. The junior class was designated white. One student chose to wear a white pillowcase over his head with eyeholes cut out. The pillowcase resembled a KKK hood and this same student was apparently making the Heil Hitler sign as he paraded around. This action was upsetting for many students especially one biracial young man who took his concerns to the administration and the blogosphere. Since these events, racial tensions have flared. Text messages are circulating at Alta with KKK and Nazi symbols which read “Alta Pride”. Sides have been drawn and it is an ugly environment. Extra police have been called to campus to ensure safety.

It is time for these issues to be dealt with by the school. I strongly support Dr. Doty and his push to educate students about the dangers of bigotry. This is indeed a great teaching moment!!! However, at a meeting this morning at Alta, I heard parents and staff complain that this incident has been totally “overblown”. Many feel it was a harmless prank and are outraged. Hate symbols can never be seen as harmless and hearing people say so this morning brought me to tears. It is easy to say something is harmless when it is not directed at you. Too many Utahns think their way is the only way and do not take kindly to others pointing that out. If the KKK had strung up a few Mormon missionaries from a tree, we all know white sheets would be outlawed in this state. For example, at one middle school, a student wore a T-shirt which read, “Choose the Left”, a play on the LDS “CTR” meaning choose the right. This student was sent home and could not wear the shirt again. So, it is not OK to say I am different – I do not belong to the predominant culture, but donning a symbol of hate publicly is just a harmless joke by teenagers who don’t know any better. I call “BS!!!!”

Discrimination is alive and well here in the Beehive state and that is clear by reading the horrible things many in the community are saying about the biracial young man and anyone who supports him. Racial slurs are abundant and he is being called a liar. I hope he remembers that change only happens when someone stands up for what is fair and right. I applaud this young man and all those who stand behind him. Their courage will be worth the backlash. If this incident enlightens even a few then progress has been made. I believe to the bottom of my toes that we can do better and we will if more people speak out. For those of you, who choose to keep your head in the sand or who belittle this incident know this – change is coming to Utah whether you like it or not. So here is a little piece of advice -

“Snap out of It!!!!”

"May The Force Be With You!"

Here in this beautiful beehive state, “the force” is most definitely the Mormon church. If “the force” is with you, life here is easier and more comfortable. Many people in the state find it necessary to know who is on the side of “the force”. Sadly, some of these same people will judge outsiders as being on “the dark side”. The current controversy over an anti-Bob Bennett mailer is a perfect reflection of this strange division in Utah society. The flier showed republican candidate Mike Lee’s photo above the Salt Lake City Mormon Temple and Bob Bennett’s photo over the United States Capitol building with the caption “Which candidate really has Utah values?” The mailer did not come directly from Mike Lee’s campaign, but in my opinion that is irrelevant. Here are the facts: although people were apparently offended by the flier, it worked! Bob Bennett will not be on the ballot this fall. You see, Utah values are Mormon values and separation of church and state is non-existent in my current home.

Rules and laws in other states do not apply here. LDS seminary is part of the public school day. My husband gets calls from job recruiters on a regular basis and many ask him if he has a “temple recommend”. For you outsiders, this translates, “Are you a Mormon in good standing with the Church?” Now, close your mouths, I know you think that is illegal, but not here in Utah. All things in Utah, lead to “the force”! If you have “the force” behind you, you are “in” – with your neighbors, your companies, your schools, etc. If, however, “the force” is not with you it is harder to find your way in just about every aspect of society.

Recently, “the force” decided to give a nod to the Salt Lake City Council and allow it to make it illegal to discriminate against the gay community in housing and employment. If “the force” had not given their approval the city would still be in the dark ages as far as that basic civil right. I am grateful to the Mormon Church for finally taking that position and hope the “the force” remains on the moral and just side of all Utah citizens.

My family navigates through life without the powers of “the force”. We are happy and appreciate the positive aspects of our life in Utah. Along the way, we may even have convinced a few people that we are not on “the dark side”. As Utah adjusts to more diversity, the long standing battle may subside. We have to accept that one side is not more important than the other, nor more right than the other. People are just different and that should really be OK as long as no one is getting hurt on either side of the issue.

I hold out hope that Utah will not always judge people by their religion. However, until that time,

“May the force be with you!”

“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.” Yoda

I love children, or at least I thought I did until I started substitute teaching a few months ago. I may reevaluate my opinion. I used to teach middle school before I had children, and I loved it! I had a federal grant to teach in a low income area in San Jose, California. It was a challenging job, but I thought it was wonderful. I adored most of the kids, and I was more than their teacher. In fact, many days I wasn’t a “teacher” at all. I felt more like a social worker, mother, police officer, counselor, and therapist all wrapped into one.

So, after 19 years away from the classroom, I thought I would give it another try. I started substituting at local middle schools. It was a horrible! I am not a stranger to adolescent behavior. But, I was shocked that these kids from middle and upper middle class white and mostly Mormon families were so unbelievably disrespectful. Somewhere along the way, their parents had skipped the lessons on how to behave towards their fellow students and their teachers. For me, it was another display of the hypocrisy in this state. The very judgmental community I live in needs to take a look in the mirror.

I am now substituting at the elementary level and it is a bit better. However, every day I am reminded in some manner that I am still an outsider in this community. Every day, whether I am in a kindergarten class or a sixth grade class, a student will ask,

“Are you a BYU fan or a Utah fan?”

Of course, that is kid code for “Are you Mormon or not?” My answer is always the same.

“I am from California, so I am not a fan of either, but I love the San Francisco Forty Niners.”

BINGO!!!!

They all get very excited as Steve Young played for the 49ers and I am "in" without really answering their question. This answer gives me an instant connection with the majority of the class and being an outsider connects me with the others in the classroom. Who knew that defining myself in this manner would be so important to children.

So, many things have happened over the last few months that are both funny and strange. When I start the day in a new classroom, I try to get to know the students quickly and ask them to share something about themselves, they think I will remember. Well, kids do say the darndest

things, so here goes:

“My name is Brigham, and I get my brains from Jesus.”

“My name is Dallin and I am named after a prophet.”

“My name is Joseph and I am a future missionary.”

Get the picture – religion is important to these kids and it is an accepted part of the public schools. Now I have nothing against religion being important to anyone, I just find it unusual that it is talked about in school so openly.

I was in a kindergarten classroom last week and two boys were literally grilling another boy about his religion. One little boy meanly questions,

“Do you go the church with this? (the boy makes the sign of the cross with his fingers)

“Why aren’t you Mormon?”

Another five year old chimes in,

“I am Mormon!!”

I put a stop to this little conversation as the poor little boy who worshipped elsewhere was about to burst into tears. I have heard stories like this so many times from people I know, but had never truly witnessed it. I am saddened that such young children are taught to tease and fear kids who are different. I hope that regular classroom teachers put a stop to this as I did, but I am truly not confident!

I bring my coffee with me every morning and one morning another teacher stopped me and said

“Yeah, another coffee drinker.”

Then she gave me a warning. She said that once she had a parent stop her in the hall and ask

“Are you allowed to bring coffee into an elementary campus?”

Really – are you kidding me? One morning as I was taking a sip of my “morning joe” two third grade girls asked if I was drinking hot cocoa. I simply answered “No”. The one student whispered to the other “It is coffee.” Both girls put their hands over their mouths and started giggling as their teacher was being “naughty”. Again, drinking coffee, is not OK, but being rude to adults and teasing others who are different is accepted. CRAZY!!!

Another day I was in the library with a fifth grade class and the librarian read them a story about Jackie Robinson. The story revealed a lot about racism at the time and would have made a great lesson for fifth graders. I was thrilled and looked forward to what the librarian would teach after the story. All she said was, “So that is a great tale about the history of baseball.” What – that is it??? I wanted so badly to discuss the dangers of racism today – even against our current President, but I knew that would be looked down upon in lily white Draper Utah. I used to love teaching, especially about history and how we can learn so much from our past. I really wanted to be back in San Jose, California, teaching kids who knew first hand the ugliness of bigotry and discrimination. I felt like a failure that day!

So, I still love children, but I feel sad that we may be raising young people here who will never learn that it is OK to be different. Fear may keep them from the knowledge that other cultures, religions and places can make their lives better and more full. It is great to love who you are and to honor your faith. But faith should not lead to anger at those who don’t believe as you do. It is my hope that young people will learn that it takes more than just abstaining from coffee, alcohol, and premarital sex. Whatever your faith or lack thereof, it should be about how we treat our fellow human beings. We should not ever get so caught up in “the rules” that we forget how to behave towards one another. I only hope that this community and its teachers learn from the words of another great teacher,

“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”

Rufio, Rufio, Ru-Fi-OOOOO

Watch Peter and Rufio:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Um8mMa5w41A

Twice a week my family sits in a high school gym rooting for my son's basketball team. We spend about five hours watching all three games and for the most part love every minute. We are a sports family and basketball is our favorite. However, we have found that here in Utah, the fans are extremely harsh. They yell at the refs, the coaches, the fans, the players and at other parents. It is rude and appalling.

I have written previously about crazy sports fans and their bad behavior. However, at kids sporting events it is particularly disconcerting. Last week's game truly topped the charts. After a traveling call by the referee, I hear a young voice to the right of me yell out,

“Go back to church ball, Ref!”

I look over and see this comment coming from a boy who could not have been more than four years old. Now, I think that was meant to be a put down, but being that we are not in attendance at church ball games, I would love my readers to fill me in. The point is, however, what was this tot doing yelling at a grownup? Where was the adult in his life teaching him about respect and manners? Oh... they were sitting next to him yelling even worse things at the referee. The hypocrisy in this state unbelievable. These same families sit in church and think they have moral superiority and yet they don't show common decency at at kid's ball game. It is truly crazy to me.

Well, I knew I would be sharing that story but I had no idea that things were about to get worse, much worse. Now, I do need to be fair before recounting this next incident. Our student fan section is organized, loud, funny, and sometimes quite obnoxious. There have been a few times that I have thought they crossed the line and did not represent their school with pride. Having said that, they do show up and support the team every game and for the most part they are good kids.

When the opposing team is shooting a free throw, they loudly jeer,

“Rufio, Rufio. Ru-fi-OOOOOOOOO!!”

Loud cheering during free throw shooting is common place at every level of basketball. So, while doing their regular “Rufio” chant during a free throw, a mom from the opposing team turned around and started screaming at our fan section.

HEY, "GAY BOYS", SHUT UP "GAY BOYS", RUFIO THIS "GAY BOYS", WHY AREN'T YOU OUT THERE "GAY BOYS", YOU CANT PLAY "GAY BOYS"....

I may not remember her exact verbage, but she must have said "gay boys" at least ten times. After her tirade, the parents sitting in her section gave her high fives. Are you kidding me??? I was mortified and our student section was also. The woman who ranted these hateful remarks is none other than the mother of a senior player, and NFL player. I know this because at halftime she and her son were introduced to the entire gym for Senior Night.

I am so sad that I live in a state where this kind of comment is accepted and rewarded. I should not be surprised. Despite the fact that I do need to judge this woman as an individual, I am well aware that she is a member of a church that has openly discriminated against the gay community. So, I do judge her and all of those who gave her the high fives. I may have a glass of wine with my meal and a cup of coffee in the morning, but I will NEVER behave in the ugly manner which I see on a regular basis in high school gyms. So... keep your supposed moral superiority and your shameful comments to yourself. I know who you really are, and so do all the others who witnessed your hideous display. I am sorry the teenagers upset you. But truth is just what Peter said to Rufio...

“YOU ARE JUST A PUNK KID......I WANT TO SPEAK TO A GROWN UP!!!!!”

"Words,Words, Words...."

Eliza Doolittle is another one of my favorite movie characters. In the wonderful song “Show Me” she proclaims to Freddy ….”Don’t talk of stars burning above, if you’re in love – SHOW ME!” Well, I suppose I can understand her frustration - actions do speak louder than words. However, I also know that words have enormous power and they changed Eliza’s life! Her newfound ability to communicate and use words in a different manner gave her opportunities she would never have had before.

I just finished an amazing book called The Book Thief by Mark Zusak. It is a WWII story about the power of words. In this book, words were the cause of much hardship, but also tremendous comfort. It was certainly a lesson in the value of all of our words and I loved it. I have been thinking about the book for days and pondering all the ways that words have influenced my life.

Words bring me pleasure, laughter, comfort, love, entertainment, fear, sorrow, and disappointment. A good book takes me places I thought I could never go and introduces me to characters that I love. Words can totally transform my world for a time. Lyrics from songs also evoke a vast range of feelings. I am moved by the words of great orators like Obama, King and Ghandi, and frightened by words of hate which are so prevalent during current times.

Whoever said, “Stick and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me” is pretty naive. Talk with anyone who has had a verbally abusive parent, spouse, boss, or friend and I think they will tell you they disagree. Words can hurt!!! Ask a child who has been the victim of a racial slur. Ask a student whose teacher has told them they were stupid or an athlete whose coach has verbally ripped them to shreds in front of teammates. Ask anyone who has had words used against them and they will surely tell you they are hurtful. It is, however, what you do with that hurt that counts. It is most definitely how you use your words that can mend not just your own wounds, but hopefully the wounds of others.

The main character in The Book Thief finds a source of healing in words. Through reading and writing she survives the insurmountable. This book will stay with me a long time and I am going to value all the words in my life more. Words can heal…. “I love you…..I am proud of you….I am sorry …what can I do to help…..” Words can truly be a gift. Thank you all for reading my words and following my blog. I am truly grateful!

Watch Eliza in all her glory: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H8zyF0ZOy3k