If we are being honest, we have all felt that kind of frustration and have certainly wanted to behave just like Martin did. Sometimes, there really is no better word than fuck! Having said that, I know two things. One, the word may be highly offensive to many, including most of the Mormons here in Utah. And two, the word is over used and is not funny just for the sake of saying it. Teenage and twenty something people use it far too often, my son included! I have asked him on several occasions to limit it in his vocabulary, but so far my requests have fallen on deaf ears. I do hope he will outgrow the habit!
The reason I am writing about it today, has to do with an incident at my son's men's basketball league. Apparently, David fumbled the ball and lost it out of bounds. In frustration, David was angry with himself and muttered something along the lines of "Are you fucking kidding me?" The referee heard it and tee'd him up and he was forced to sit for 10 minutes. He may have deserved the technical and he understood it! That is not the issue here. At half time, he approached the referee and tried to apologize. He put his hand on the ref's shoulder and said he was sorry and did not mean to offend him. The ref said "Get your hands off me now!" David said he looked at him as if he was dirt on the bottom of his shoe. My son thinks he is a badass, but is actually pretty sensitive. This guy really hurt his feelings and made him angry. When he told me about it, he said "Mom I am so tired of being judged by people in this state. I was trying to apologize and he treated me like I was a terrible person. I can't wait to get out of here!"
Again, I may need to repeat for the judgmental folk out there, that David should not have used that language and he tried to apologize for it. What was unfair, but typical was the way he was treated afterward. I understand that this word is offensive to some and I can respect that. Yet, I will never respect treating people in a cruel manner. If this referee has never heard this word before, then he is new to the job. It is bantered about on the court all over, including in Utah and not just by non-Mormons. It is not the best way to handle frustration, but it absolutely does not make you a bad person!
My son is a great kid and this incident really bothered him. He checked into the league rules and found the policy. He was pretty taken a back by what he discovered. Here is his facebook post,
"So this a official rule in my mens league:
“F-Word Rule”: Any player, coach or bench personnel that say the four letter “F-word” loud enough to be heard by the referee(s), score keeper and/or game personnel will be ejected from the current game and the next 2 games
Ummm excuse me, this is a mens league, not a kindergarten class. Only in Utah would this rule even exist. What exactly is the "4 letter f word", FART? FOUL? Aren't we adults here? In my family I was raised to not use the "3 letter f word" which gets said constantly in this state and no one seems to mind. You know the one that actually offends an individual. But by all means go out of your way to make some B.S. rule for a word that gets flung around all sports by ALL types of people, not just us "sinners"."
I love this! He actually does listen to his mother! We never use derogatory terms about other people's race, religion, sexual orientation, etc. in our home. That is the kind of language that we find offensive and is never tolerated. All my son's friends know this fact and have learned to respect it. Yet, the reality is that the community we live in tolerates these slurs all the time and at all levels. Religion may curtail what they think is "foul" language, but I would argue that the other words are far more offensive and hurtful! So, judge me and my family as you choose. I am comfortable with how we behave and who we are. If you don't like it, then you, my friend, and I mean this with love in my heart, can fuck right off!
7 comments:
Hi there,
My name is Nicole and I recently moved to SLC from Boise ID. Originally from the state of Washington. I too moved to SLC due to my husband's job being relocated here.
That being said I have had a lot of Mormon friends through out my life, so I wasn't initially fearful of moving here. I have always respected my friends beliefs and thus their religion and they have always reciprocated.
But then I too was warned about the Mormons being "clique" which worried me because well Boise has its far share of LDS as well and I have never encountered a problem there. But that was Idaho.
In Idaho I was a tennis enthusiast, well really I have an addiction to tennis. So my husband and I decided that we must try to make new friendships when we come to SLC and it would be healthy for us to join a Racket Club. Well... that has failed thus far. Although the members there are very nice, I am emblazoned with the scarlet letters NLU=not like us. Honestly I feel even if I were Serena Williams and played at the club no one would take the time to befriend me let alone want me on their team. It's also a fitness club and I used to run. Run 3+ miles at least 4 times a week. It was like meditation for me. But now it's just 3 miles worth of solitary confinement. My freedom is now my constant reminder of how alone I am.
A coworker (Mormon) at my husbands work tells him that it is not encouraged to befriend non-LDS no matter their character. It's understandable I suppose due to the hostility their faith has received in the past. But now in the 21st century it just creates a segregated and lonely byproduct. December is obviously a terrible time to move. Being ostracized seems magnified at this time. I can't help but grieve for a part of my life that brought me so much happiness and joy seems destined to die here.
These changes make me worry for my daughter as well. She is only 2 but soon she will need the socializing and feel the lack thereof.
Anyways thanks so much for posting something out here. It does help to know that this is a shared pain.
If anyone has a happy uplifting story to tell, I sure would love to read it right now.
Hi Nicole! I am glad you found my blog! Your story made me feel so very sad! We live in the Sugar House area and are much happier. It is more diverse and so much less judgmental! Have you looked into the Jewish Community Center near near the University of Utah. It is a place where most of the non-Mormons go - not just Jewish people. I have heard very good things about it and maybe it would offer you a community. I think they have tennis courts, but I know they have a pool and fitness center. I understand the loneliness - I feel it too sometimes. I think I may need to form a meetup group for the PLU's! What do you think?
This is another very biased post... but we've come to expect that from you.
For your information, swearing isn't just a penalty in Utah, like you stated. It's EVERYWHERE. Including the NBA. Gerald Wallace was fined $10,000 for saying that same word. So please stop bending everything so that it works out better in your mind and your blog to make us look bad.
Now, how do you know this referee was even Mormon? This type of behavior isn't just limited to Utah, it's very very likely you'll find it in all 50 states, likely more in others than here. As for the other comment... that rule about the Mormons not being encouraged to befriend non-LDS people is a LIE LIE LIE. So wrong and whether they made it up or not, it is not true. Our entire religion centers on loving everyone. I know because I preached it for two years... but of course you know all about that.
I suggest you finally change your outlook. See the good in everybody. Be friends with Mormons (the phone works both ways as they saying goes). We're not perfect, and neither is any other religion or person. Whether you admit it or not, this is just a very biased blog against Mormons. How much better are you than these "bullies" if all you do is talk trash about them on the internet, rather than talking to them face to face?
I don't expect you to post this comment... but I had to say something because it is wrong to sit here and let you think like this. Don't hate me... but someone needs to say it. Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah (belated)
Hi Tyler. I am sorry my blog has upset you and you have jumped to many judgements as a result. Let's clear a few things up. We are all biased by our own experiences, you included. My bias, however, does not mean the things I write about are wrong or untrue. My writings are just from my perspective which may be different from yours and that is OK.
I never said the referee was Mormon just that his behavior was typical. I also said David was wrong and deserved the technical. I was upset the referee treated him badly and that is what upset David as well. I also never said Mormons were taught not to befriend non LDS people, someone who commented on my blog said they had been told that by someone who was LDS. I do not know the person who commented, but I do understand her frustration and hurt at her current situation.
I have had you in my home many times and have always treated you kindly and with respect. I am sorry you are so angry at me but I just tell stories about things that happen to my family and how we deal with them. We do have Mormon friends and I also have many Mormon readers so you are incorrect about a lot of things. The mormon friends we have understand our situation and are sorry we have been treated badly sometimes and know who we truly are!
My out look is my own as is yours. I don't plan on changing it and I will continue to write on this blog. This is a free country and I am free to do that and you are free to not read it if it upsets you. As you can see, I did publish your comment as I believe you have a right to your thoughts and feelings, just as I do. I suggest you examine why this upsets you so much. Can you think of a time I ever treated you badly or you felt unwelcome in my home? You and your friends can criticize away - it does not hurt us. As I said we are very comfortable with who we are - I hope you find that same peace! Happy Holidays Tyler!
Tyler,
My mother has just shared with me what you posted and I couldn’t be more furious. Your tone was disrespectful, uncalled for, and you should be ashamed of yourself. All those years, my family and I treated you with kindness and respect, despite our differences of opinion. And this is how you return the favor? That loving behavior you speak so highly of – I don’t see it anywhere in your response to her post. In the future, I hope you can learn to truly practice what you preach. I hope that you can learn to simply say, “I’m sorry that happened to you.” As my mother suggested, perhaps you should look inward and ask why this upsets you so much. Maybe you see a glimmer of truth to it all, and simply aren’t comfortable with facing it.
The blog is a way for my family and I to communicate our experiences and articulate what it is like to be a minority within an overwhelming majority, something you would know nothing about. If you don’t like the blog, I ask that you stop reading it.
I'm disappointed to learn that you knowing me has taught you nothing. You would think that it would be easiest to empathize with your friends. But now I see that you really aren't my friend.
This post is actually written by my son David who asked me to post it for him.
"Well Tyler, obviously your years spent around my family taught you nothing about who we are and what we stand for. It is extremely disrespectful for you to sit behind your keyboard and say things about my mother that are not true. Our entire family was nice to you, as well as your entire group of friends from Alta. You were at our house practically every weekend if I remember correctly. Your fact about Gerald Wallace is actually incorrect. He said the word during a press conference, not while on the court. If you can find me one instance of a player saying “fuck” to HIMSELF and being T'd up I will be shocked. If you watch professional sports you can constantly hear them swearing. It is overblown in this state and you know this. How many times have you said “fag” in your life. Probably more than I have said “fuck”. In my opinion, that word is much more offensive than “fuck”. But nothing is done about this. I could have said “wow I'm such a fag” and not have been punished at all. The values in this state are so mixed up it is not even funny. And for you to say that my family does not befriend mormons is ludicrous. My sister was friends with you, wasn't she? I have attended multiple farewells and email many of my friends that went on missions. If your entire religion discusses loving everyone, then why the bigotry towards the gay community? They are people just like you and me, yet your religion is constantly stating their opposition. So to quote you, your idea of loving everybody is a “LIE LIE LIE.” So as you say we are the judgmental ones in your comment, you are truly being the judgmental one. David"
Seriously speaking, I have never been one to be concerned about what club or religion another person belongs to… unless I have interest in joining. Equating the worth of a person based on a membership feels spiritually strange and disjointed. But what is odder to me is the extreme over-sensitivity that seems to permeate throughout the Mormon culture here in Utah. I think a perfect example is the comment er above (Tyler Evenson). It is humiliating to think that our Utah/Mormon youth are prancing around screaming at others and suggesting they change their outlook. Tyler, I beg of you to please “change your outlook.” There are many articles/editorials/blogs that bash the LDS religion, but this is not one. It is okay and should be applauded when a person takes their time to bring clarity and help bring a sense of belonging to others who might feel like outsiders.
Jill, please do not allow that mean aggressive little boy to dissuade you from continuing to blog. It is apparent, by just reading Nicole’s comment above, that your blog is valued and enjoyed.
I thoroughly enjoy it… and I am a Mormon.
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